I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
