First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
