I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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