Don't make out with my wife yet
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
