He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
