Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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