My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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