So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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