He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
