If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
