if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
