when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Randomize
