He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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