At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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