Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize