The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Text me some of your sweat
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
