i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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