white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
