i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
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