my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
