You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My vagina just recognized that song.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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