Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I want to be your penis for a week.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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