And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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