When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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