Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
