Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
40s are totally the cure
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
