as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
