she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
