I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
