Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
