I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
