Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize