my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
