so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
