shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
