Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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