Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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