Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
