I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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