Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
