I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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