After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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