You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
me + whiskey = a bad person
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
