Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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