i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
