I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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