woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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