I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
