Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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