my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
