Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
