dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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