just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
