You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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