you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
