i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Boobs are out for the taking
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
