Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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