My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
