If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
