there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
