Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
