My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Can Purell be used as lube?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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