I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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