after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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