You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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